im six kinds of drunk right now
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
