I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
