Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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