Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
