spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
