I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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