I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
