So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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