My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
