So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
