how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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