i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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