I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
