so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
