I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Never joke about your clitoris.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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