he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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