my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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