Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
