I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
