My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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