I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
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When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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