Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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