you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
