i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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