Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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