so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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