you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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