I faked an abortion last night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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