Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
