The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
