I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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