i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
