I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
