Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
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When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
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