Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If I die, sorry about rent.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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