I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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