quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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