She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
