??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
