Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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