Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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