He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
