dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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