I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
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OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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