dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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