I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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