I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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