im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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