Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
