i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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