I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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