My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
