I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
