Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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